On eclipse day 2017, a text-message chat between the sun and the moon

Sun [8:32 AM]

Hey. i’m the sun. Just enjoying my “fixed” location in space

Moon [8:33 AM]

Hey. I’m the moon. Just enjoying blocking the sun’s light today.

Sun [8:33 AM]

wait, what? unobstructed light during the day is my thing

Moon [8:34 AM]

and reflecting that light during the night is my thing

but sometimes it’s fun to play it differently

Sun [8:34 AM]

i guess

so is this going to be an all day thing?

Moon [8:34 AM]

nah, just a few hours for any single person watching

enough to shock them, but not totally disorient them

Sun [8:35 AM]

because i’ve been live in the US for a few hours now

not thrilled about this cloud cover, tbh

Moon [8:35 AM]

finally, an enemy we both can hate

Sun [8:36 AM]

they’re the worst

and today is really your day

Moon [8:36 AM]

can’t you like use your infrared radiation or something to destroy them?

Sun [8:36 AM]

ooh good call

i’ll see what i can do

when did you last do this?

for the US market, at least

Moon [8:37 AM]

been a while

their excitement is understandable

Sun [8:38 AM]

it’s sweet, really

they take us both for granted

nice to change things up

keeps the thrill alive

Moon [8:38 AM]

yeah, have to say, it used to be way more fun in the past

Sun [8:38 AM]

oh, yeah. all the praying!

Moon [8:38 AM]

and the killing!

Sun [8:39 AM]

now it’s just a bunch of kids with glasses and cut-up cereal boxes

Moon [8:39 AM]

some in planes and others with cameras on satellites

Sun [8:39 AM]

those cameras never get a good shot of me

i do kind of miss the excitement of the old days

Moon [8:39 AM]

remember that time when they blamed King Henry I’s death on me?

Sun [8:39 AM]

Yes! God, that was great

and it was the food poisoning

Moon [8:40 AM]

lol

Sun [8:40 AM]

man, the middle ages were something

i like that they’re not as afraid of us anymore. But sometimes i wish they’d pay a little more…attention

Moon [8:40 AM]

yeah, these advanced humans can be annoying some times

I’ve heard they are hatching plans to come back on my surface again

Sun [8:41 AM]

they left a mess last time, ya?

Moon [8:41 AM]

footprints were nice, but they left their shit too

Sun [8:41 AM]

gross!

Moon [8:42 AM]

like literal shit

Sun [8:42 AM]

somehow Buzz Aldrin leaves that out of his motivational talks

Moon [8:42 AM]

lol…

you know the new hot thing is Mars

Sun [8:43 AM]

oh, yes

takes me a long time to reach that guy, but he’s interesting

Moon [8:43 AM]

I mean, sure it’s red and all. but it’s barren as fuck.

no cool craters like I have

Sun [8:43 AM]

no

Moon [8:43 AM]

what do you like about him?

I’ve got more water than he does

(not sure if that’s true…. lol)

Sun [8:44 AM]

i don’t know. He’s so… different: the storms, the ice caps, the volcanoes

it’s hot

i mean not as hot as i am but

Moon [8:45 AM]

my Earth’s got all that

Sun [8:45 AM]

i know

i know you’re not supposed to have favorites

but you and Earth have always been something special

Moon [8:45 AM]

Come on. Have you seen Mars’s moons? They’re like pebbles.

Sun [8:45 AM]

Venus is just toxic

and Mercury zips around annoyingly

Moon [8:46 AM]

right, and none of them can produce an eclipse like I can

Sun [8:46 AM]

but you guys have always been a lot of fun to shine on

nope

Moon [8:46 AM]

totality, bitches

Sun [8:46 AM]

totality

go get em today

i wont overshadow you

this is your day

Moon [8:47 AM]

plus Americans definitely need this distraction

Sun [8:47 AM]

oh my God

don’t get me started

you think you’ve seen everything under me, but this year is something else

Moon [8:47 AM]

as long as that Trump guy ensures astronauts take their shit back…

I’m ok

Sun [8:48 AM]

good luck with that

Moon [8:48 AM]

I guess you’re right. Best not to have expectations.

So how many do you think will get blinded today?

Sun [8:49 AM]

SIGH… too many

all they have to do is not look at me

which pretty much everyone does, every day, as i’m painfully aware

Moon [8:50 AM]

Ah, don’t be hard on yourself. I’m the one causing confusion.

Sun [8:50 AM]

i wish we could surprise them like we used to

Do you remember the look on those shepherds’ faces? lol

Moon [8:50 AM]

I think some still get it. Remember the astronomer who saw us from the plane?

Sun [8:50 AM]

yes!

he was adorable

Moon [8:51 AM]

over the, er, moon

Sun [8:51 AM]

nice one

that’s the kind of enthusiasm i like to see

Moon [8:52 AM]

makes my dreary life better

btw…did you know humans have given a name to each of my craters?

Sun [8:52 AM]

no

even the little ones?

Moon [8:53 AM]

apparently so… they started with the explorers (nice), then scientists (great) but eventually came to the politicians (ew)

Sun [8:53 AM]

lol

Moon [8:54 AM]

I also enjoy how every time I do this, you have to give up some of your secrets to the humans

Sun [8:54 AM]

what do you mean?

Moon [8:55 AM]

like they find out why you have these million-degree flares shooting from your body

or, you know, discover you’re mostly helium

this time, they’ve got more eyes than usual!

Sun [8:55 AM]

who told??

Moon [8:55 AM]

haha… you created life on Earth. you can’t control that it became intelligent!

Sun [8:55 AM]

i really love their curiosity, it’s endearing

i missed the unquestioning worship of the early days at first, but i admire how the humans now keep looking for answers

you and Earth have really grown on me

Moon [8:57 AM]

and fast!

❤️

Sun [8:57 AM]

it’s gonna be hard to swallow you both when i become a red giant

Moon [8:58 AM]

… you HAD to spoil it, huh?

Sun [8:58 AM]

i’ll still do it, obviously, but it will be poignant

sorry

Moon [8:58 AM]

few billion years and counting down

going to block your light billions of times before it happens

Sun [8:59 AM]

i know

you rascal

Moon [8:59 AM]

so what do you think humans will do in the future?

Sun [8:59 AM]

on eclipse days?

Moon [8:59 AM]

say in 2500

yeah

Sun [8:59 AM]

ooh. good question

well it’s not going to be just the humans then, we’re also going to have AI weighing in

those guys at least probably wont look straight at me

what about you?

Moon [9:01 AM]

creating totality makes me feel like a kid again… every time

but those days won’t last for long

in 563 million years, there will be no totality and all eclipses only partial. Boo!

Sun [9:03 AM]

wait why??

are you moving? am i?

Moon [9:03 AM]

I’m going farther away from the Earth. Two inches every year.

gravity sucks

Sun [9:04 AM]

will they still be able to see you? on regular nights

Moon [9:05 AM]

yeah, just smaller

btw… how are your spots doing?

You do a good job hiding them

Sun [9:06 AM]

a backhanded compliment if there ever was one

they’re fine, thanks

it is completely normal to have cooler areas on your photosphere

Moon [9:06 AM]

as if I would know

haven’t met another sun

you might just be fooling me

Sun [9:07 AM]

sorry, guess it’s just a star thing

Moon [9:07 AM]

you know humans have found that planets around other stars may also have moons?

Sun [9:08 AM]

seriously?

Moon [9:08 AM]

I mean, it’s logical but they may have physical proof

yeeeeeesss!

First I thought it’s bad to have competition. But, hey, any moon will be trillions of miles away. Not really competition!

Sun [9:09 AM]

none

Moon [9:09 AM]

It’s Titan I’m more wary of

and Europa

Sun [9:09 AM]

i’ve noticed these guys really prefer things they can see with their own eyes. You’re safe there

Moon [9:09 AM]

some humans are so excited about finding life on them that they’re planning a space mission and what not

Sun [9:10 AM]

after just one visit to you?

Moon [9:10 AM]

yeah, it’s going to take them a LONG time to get there… haha

Sun [9:10 AM]

i can see how that would hurt

Moon [9:10 AM]

ah, stop it

I have more secrets

they didn’t get them all in one visit

have you seen my “dark side”?

Sun [9:11 AM]

lol

Moon [9:11 AM]

anyway, good chat

until next time?

Sun [9:11 AM]

it’s always good to talk to you

Moon [9:11 AM]

this was great, no?

Sun [9:11 AM]

have a great time out there today

til next time