When Apple stock rises,
And its value goes soaring,
The tech press starts fretting:
“How can we make this not boring?”
We make bar graphs, and pie charts,
And blueprints and floor plans,
We hunt Reddit and Twitter
And Ello and 4Chan,
We send essays and listicles
Flying through the doorjambs,
Yet nothing clicks better
Than “Apple’s worth more than.”
What’s Apple worth more than?
Click anywhere, you’ll see!
It’s worth more than GM!
It’s worth more than GE!It’s worth more than
Google and Microsoft combined!
“Is there context for this?”
“Who cares?!” “Nevermind!!!”
Apple’s worth more than
The Russian stock market.
Let’s make that go viral!
Let’s fucking Left Shark it!
It’s worth more than McDonald’s
And Wal-Mart put together!
It’s as stiff as a board
And as light as a feather!
It’s worth more than
Switzerland’s whole GNP.
Yeah, take that, you Swiss!
Shove
that in your cheese!
And when Apple’s been compared
To every rival and nation,
When each headline’s been sold
With the proper sensation,
When every non-Apple company
Has felt true degradation,
Just compare Apple to oranges
To stoke more excitation!
Like: Apple’s worth more
Than
these fancy fast cars!
Or:
Apple’s worth more than
These footballing stars!It’s worth more than
The cost of the coke we all snort;
Add ganja and acid,
You’d still come up short!Apple’s worth more than
A real Golden Snitch!
Does that make any sense?
Who cares, it sounds rich!
Apple’s worth more than
Like forty-thousand Hublots!
If you were Apple,
You could buy 750 billion slices at 2 Bros!
Is it accurate to claim
Apple’s worth more than Jesus Christ?
Get an analyst to say so!
That makes it all right!
“I know a crazy guy at BlackRock!
I’ll have that post up tonight!”
What’s Apple worth more than?
The list never ends:
It zigs and it zags;
Like an iPhone, it bends.
But when it comes to real worth,
Let’s all tip our hat:
It’s worth shitloads of traffic,
And what’s worth more than that?
